A QUARTER COW AND MOTHER'S PEARLS

Ever shopped for a cow? I hadn't and didn't know where to start. But if I wanted to celebrate my ordination to the diaconate properly I needed a mountain of meat. 

In Soweto egg mayonnaise sandwiches were not going to crack it.

We had this amazing butcher shop a few doors away from the church where you could braai (barbecue) your meat at a fire in the yard. 

A typical buy and braai set up in Soweto

Because services in the township end when the Holy Spirit decides I would emerge ravenous after as long as three hours.  Across the road from St James was a small supply store where I'd pick up a couple of lovely fresh buns. Next door was a tavern that stocked my favourite red wine. They'd sell it to me by the glass which I'd carry with my buns to the butcher where I could buy fillet steak for a song.  

My mouth waters as I write this. Those lunches were to die for dolls! 

I learned later that all the surrounding shops knew when I had preached because the congregation would emerge at least half an hour earlier.

Who needs a mic?
Speaking of preaching, I am always amused when wealthier parishes panic if the sound system packs up. We had a huge congregation but no microphone. So the norm was to trot up and down the aisle as you preached at the top of your voice. 

If you don't have a mic you trot up and down the aisle to preach

It's a wonderful way of connecting. One thing I never had the courage to do was to start a chorus while I was expounding on the readings of the day. My rector, another who has since become a bishop, would do this with such aplomb. 

What I did learn to do was worship with my whole body. I didn't have a singing voice but oh the joy of dancing to those choruses! Many year later when I was serving a traditionally white parish I was touched when a parishioner shared  that she had prayed for me before the service - until she added, "that you will stand still during the hymns."

Numbers don't count But, back to my ordination and the after party.  I still couldn't pin my rector down on the number of people I needed to cater for. Silly me. The system is to do the best you can. If the food runs out that's life. 

There was no way I could afford a whole cow even though my favourite butcher gave me a good 'clergy' price. So we settled on a quarter cow and several boxes of whole chickens. The Mother's Union, who volunteered to do the cooking, also gave me a shopping list for side dishes like rice and three bean salad. 

Wonderful township food

The feast they produced was memorable. 

More importantly the township approach to catering taught me an invaluable lesson. So three extra people pitch for Christmas dinner. Bring in extra chairs from the garden and share. It's the company that counts. There were times during those years when  I felt as if I was witnessing the miracle of the feeding of the 5000. 

You can imagine how I cringed on one of our ordinands' training week-ends. Held at another Soweto parish, the deal was that we would all bring lunch and share. We whiteys duly arrived with our cooler boxes, serviettes and cutlery but there was huge resentment when the rector invited his Mothers Union to join us. Horrors they hadn't brought any food!! Several indignant ordinands shunned the hall and took their cooler boxes to a spot where they could eat without sharing.  

I was so ashamed but the miracle was that we all had ample lunch that day and the fellowship made the event special. 

In these circumstances it would have been easy to romanticise the whole Soweto thing but God had given me Archbishop Ndungane to work for. Among the gems of his sage advice was to insist on punctuality "there's no such thing as African time". Another was to always stay on the right side of the Mothers Union in the parish. Often a good translation for "It's not in our culture" was "I don't want to do that."

Spectacular on a small  budget
Another practical lesson was how even a relatively poor parish (60 percent unemployment) could stage a spectacular event. Typically, when the archbishop visited our parish for an AIDS service the huge parking lot was carpeted with our congregants' finest rugs. Everybody, including pensioner grannies caring for their orphaned grandchildren, contributed. It was a feast of note.

In that congregation there was no discussion about whether tithing should be calculated before or after tax and I often witnessed the power of the widow's mite. My years in that wonderful community underscored what the archbishop was telling the world as he campaigned for the cancellation of the debt owed by the by the most impoverished African countries to the World Bank.  

He also argued that South Africa’s foreign and domestic debt, since it was incurred under the apartheid regime, “should be declared odious and written off”. 

An interest treadmill

Although I had been a political journalist I was surprised to learn that Africa was on an interest treadmill. Original loans had been repaid several times over. In an era when international handouts to our continent were the norm, more money was streaming out to the developed world than was coming in.

At a grass roots level I was learning that people aren't poor because they are lazy and choose to be.

Ordination
My ordination date galloped closer, there were stoles and to be designed and clerical shirts to be tailored. Invitations to print and distribute (Okay, I'll admit I was still a bit of a kugel.) 

St Mary's Cathedral

Buses were hired to take my congregants to St Mary's Cathedral in Johannesburg's city centre. Another was hired to transport my rather nervous white friends and family to the after party. They had to be convinced that they would emerge  from the township alive, their jewellery and handbags intact. (The effects of segregation were insidious and still are.)

Thank goodness those of us who were to be deaconed were placed in a conducted silent retreat at St Benedict's. I stepped off the merry-go-round into the oasis where I had first received my calling, where I was now a tertiary. It was a profound experience. 

I felt loved by God, loved by the nuns who I had grown close to, loved by my parish, my friends and my family. 

So often people who know I only really became a Christian at the age of 50 will comment on how I must have experienced happiness for the first time. Do they really think I was miserable until then? In fact I've been happy for most of my life. 

What I did experience at my ordination was unprecedented joy. Except for one small problem, I wore my mother's pearls for the service and, as we prostrated ourselves for the long litany, those damn beads really hurt - a touch of reality. 

Advice: Don't do this wearing a string of pearls!

PS: See my guest blog on TheologyMix 
http://theologymix.com/biblical-interpretation/its-time-for-christian-women-to-lean-in/

DON'T CALL THE ARCHBISHOP DOLL

The day of my interview loomed. 

Would the rector at St James in Diepkloof have me ? Was having a white, middle aged woman ordinand who needed a lot of training in keeping with his plans for the busy parish?

We set a time and he gave me directions. Along the way I took a wrong turn. No problem. Ask a policeman. 'Sure,' he said. 'Follow me.'  Which is exactly what a I did - through several suburbs. 

Sure enough we pulled up at St James but it was a Catholic Church. I explained that I was worried about being late for my important interview. 'Don't worry,' he assured. 'I'll ask another policeman.' 
Soon we were travelling through more suburbs in a convoy of two police vans and my Merc.


It proved to be third time unlucky. But, you've guessed it, we met another policeman and he had the the good sense to call my potential rector for directions. 

By now there was total buy-in to my future in the Anglican Church. I was going to be embarrassingly late so the lead van used its blue emergency lights.  I arrived at St James with three cop cars in attendance feeling like the Queen of England.

It was my first taste of what it would be like to work in Soweto. Those guys really cared.

You may recall that I had permission to only spend six months in the township but I knew there was no way I'd learn enough in that period.  Confession time. I didn't give the rector the bishop's letter which meant he could honestly say he'd never read it.

That afternoon marked the beginning of some of the best years of my life.

Another interview

There was another game changer.  

A friend in my original parish knew that I had counted among my PR clients the government of Lesotho. I'd conducted communications campaigns for two of the Mountain Kingdom's leaders besides various government departments. 

Archbishop Njongonkulu Ndungane had succeeded Desmond Tutu and needed a speech writer and media consultant. My friend recommended me.

This interview was at a classy hotel in one of Joburg's better suburbs. 

When Archbishop Ndungane was installed as archbishop one of our Sunday papers  ran a cartoon in which an extra large mitre (That high pointed headgear bishop's wear) was half way down his face. The implication being that he had a very large one to fill.  

As a huge fan of 'The Arch', as we still call the beloved Tutu, I must admit to wondering if there wasn't a great deal of truth in the cartoon. 

Archbishop Ndungane was very serious, quite shy and went to a lot of trouble explaining how the  Anglican Province of Southern Africa worked. 

While Desmond Tutu's focus had been on apartheid. His successor was deeply involved in a campaign to abolish the debt of developing countries and combating HIV/AIDS. 

He'd spent three years on Robben Island, was big on theological education and had formerly served as Bishop of Kimberly.


At one point in the interview I asked what I should call him. 'Your Grace or Archbishop.' was the reply. 

Now you have to understand that I'd been calling my chief executive clients 'doll' for years. I opted for 'Your Grace'. Initially it didn't roll off my tongue easily but growing respect helped.  

This was no Tutu. He was his own man

A hint to all ordinands, don't call your archbishop doll. It won't advance your career.

Understood by God

I got both jobs but looking back I see yet another God-incidence. 

As mentioned in my previous blog, ordinands sit at the bottom of the clerical pile. It was tough for someone who'd dealt with leaders of countries and major corporates. Archbishop Ndungane drew me into a world that included Bono, Jeffrey Sacks the world renowned economist and even (at arms length) the White House.

Bono

Prof Jeffrey Sacks

Writing speeches for him to make at the White House

                            
There was another great turnaround. 

PR practitioners have to stroke the media to get coverage for clients. I now had journalists clamouring for interviews with the Archbishop on every conceivable subject. 

Mind you, I did turn down a plea by one TV station wanting him to comment on a tagged penguin that had swum from Cape Town to Robben Island.


Indeed, working for Jongo, (which I didn't call him to his face) made my internship much easier.  Largely because I was experiencing Church in action.

I'd given up my HIV/AIDS work at the Joburg General Hospital in order to cope but  the infected and affected would remain part of my ministry. 

I cannot tell you what it meant to write speeches in which the archbishop declared 'We must shout from the roof tops that AIDS is not a sin.'  Or to be with him when the medical staff at a major AIDS research centre gave him a standing ovation.

It was the height of the AIDS pandemic and people were, as they are now, being destroyed by the stigma surrounding the immune deficiency.

A tattered spirituality

There was study, ordinand training, looking after my existing clients, working for the archbishop, serving in a new parish and finishing my house.  God was becoming a pinpoint on a distant horizon. Every now and again I'd collapse in a heap at St Benedict's, my favourite retreat house run by the Sisters of the Order of the Holy Paraclete (OHP). Filled with new resolve I'd emerge and jump straight back on my hamster wheel.

My Spiritual Director suggested that I  become an OHP tertiary. I needed the gentle, sensible, spiritual discipline. A thread to run through my perpetual busy-ness.

She knew that St Benedict, father of western monasticism, would appeal to me. He was the guy who broke ranks with the self-flagellants. Instead he embraced humanism, art and thought. His spirituality is all about balance between prayer, work and play. Hospitality is important. (Thank heavens I didn't have to give up my dinner parties.)

As a tertiary I would develop my own vows and my journey towards priesthood assumed a new rhythm and perspective. I learned to say, 'sorry I can't do that, I'm too busy.'  I knew that if God wanted me to be a priest  I would be one. 

Despite a new prayer discipline  (not too hectic but in place) my work diary worked better.

When I went through my formal discernment conference for priesthood the first question was: 'What will you do if you are rejected today?' 

The answer I once would have given (with downcast eyes) was:  'I'll accept God's will.'  Instead I was able to joke: 'I'll probably have a nervous breakdown.'  

The committee considering my physical well-being asked about my exercise regimen. I assured them that if ever I did feel that energetic, I lay down 'til the feeling passed.   

I hope St Benedict smiled when the conference voted to allow me to be ordained.  I had a permanent grin for at least a week. The ordination to the diaconate was barely two months away and I had an after party to organise. 

By then I'd learned that a genteel tea and cakes was not going to crack the nod in my new parish. Meat was essential. But I did make the awful mistake of trying to pin my darling rector down on how many to cater for. 

He kept avoiding the issue. Silly me. In Soweto you don't send invitations for an ordination party everyone is welcome (the parish roll must have had over a 1000 names). 

I had some serious shopping to do!
  

IT WAS THE TAX MAN NOT GOD

So there I was, in a process to discern whether God had called me into priesthood.  I was also putting loads of extra effort into my PR clients, driven by the conviction that Jesus had signalled that I would make a stack more money and be able to go into full time ministry. 

I would be 'Reverend Bountiful', fisher of men and women.

Oh, boy was I in for a shock.

I wasn't doing badly when I received my calling - nice house, a Merc, overseas holidays - but not enough to retire. Even if I could have lived on a stipend it didn't make actuarial sense for Church to employ people in their 50's  and then be responsible for them in their old age. Besides, I had a disabled son to support.

So why did I think I was called to full time ministry? You may remember that I'd felt called while meditating on the gospel story in which Jesus stands on the beach and sends the disciples to fish again after an unsuccessful night. They return with nets so full  that they can't even load the fish into the boats. Jesus then tells them that he will make them fishers of men.  

While I have no doubt that my priestly calling was in that meditation. I am just as certain of the dangers of taking the Bible too literally. 

There is real risk in reading the Scriptures as you would your  horoscope  in the daily newspaper. Somehow I'd heard Jesus promising me unprecedented financial success if I worked my butt off. 

But let's get back to the thread. 

Being an ordinand is no cake walk. One tends to shift from being a much pampered member of the congregation to the very bottom of the church hierarchical pile. It's like graduation from junior school to High School where you start at the bottom rung of the new ladder.

You have a living to earn and you have a new boss who expects you to work on week-ends. Your annual family holiday feels like a cardinal sin. Forget Lent. Forget Easter. Forget Christmas. That's like taking leave when there's annual stocktaking at work. 

You are desperate to be put forward for the discernment conference. This means trying to impress your parish clergy, the parish council, your bishop, your archdeacon the folk who run the discernment programme and God. (Probably in that order.)

In short, burn out looms. 

Women ordinands weep, much to the disgust of their rectors. 

Male ordinands see their doctors about stress symptoms.

Families make supportive noises but often feel neglected.

It's a war zone and I knew I had to work smarter at making my fortune so I pitched for a major government tender. Part of the process was to get a tax clearance certificate. 

'Ah!' said the grim man at the Receiver's office, 'We've been looking for you. You haven't paid VAT or tax for years.' 

My accountant, who handled all those matters, had paid himself instead of the Receiver. He'd dust-binned all warning correspondence so I didn't have a clue. He eventually went to jail but the backlog, the penalties and interest were humungous. 

 Like so many middle class South Africans our lifestyle had been financed by easily obtained credit. I was more than broke. I was insolvent.

That wasn't Jesus I'd heard from a beach. It was the tax man calling from his miserable cubicle.

This begged the question. What if my calling to priesthood had also been wishful thinking? If not, would the Church still have me? 

There was a meeting with the bishop and my former rector who was the bishop elect. They decided that I should stay in the ordinand's programme. 

Meanwhile I was still in my working class parish in a suburb that had seen better days. My rector had calmed down and I am still grateful for the training I got from him. Not that there was a great deal of love, it was more of an uneasy truce. 

As the bank reclaimed my home in Sandton there was another one of those God incidences I'm always so grateful for. Not far from my parish was a house that had been vandalised - no floors, not fittings, no windows, no doors. The bank that owned it was in despair. No one would buy it. 

Except me. 

I got it for a song which happened to be all I had. We boarded up the holes and, may God forgive me, for the first month we hijacked electricity from a street pole because we couldn't pay an electrician  or pay utility deposits. A neighbour put a long hose pipe over the fence. We boiled water in a kettle and bathed in our dogs' zinc bath. 

Sounds awful doesn't it?  In a strange way it was fun.  I've always loved to build and I shop in hardware stores the way other women shop for clothes. Every little bit of effort, every light switch, every floor tile had a disproportionate impact on our new home. It was a blank canvas. I found labourers who were used to being dropped off each day by their builder bosses and getting on with the job. 

I couldn't pay much but put them in charge of themselves. Between us we cooked basic food every day. Often the workers would sleep on the floor in an unfinished room. 

I'd picked up an old bath and basin and a hob at a pawn shop. Life was getting better by the day. Looking back I realise that there was one big bonus. My life had been stripped to the bare bones of reality and I've never felt as close to God.

Of course there were times when I missed my false nails. Hair tints and highlights were a distant memory. As were quite a few friends who did not want to venture into my low class suburb.

The house took shape, I had faithful clients.With no funds to socialise I was whipping through a theology diploma. There was food on the table, the house was becoming more than comfortable. 

And I was still an ordinand.

It was on one of our training  week ends in Soweto that I realised that I didn't know enough about the majority of Anglicans in our diocese. I asked the bishop to transfer me to a black parish.

I must explain that even today, 21 years after our first democratic elections, few white South Africans have set foot in a township. You cant blame them. Apartheid wasn't just about racism is was also about spatial segregation. 

The only township pictures we ever saw prior to 1994 were of violence and unrest. Most whites still genuinely believe that to go into a black area is to risk your life or , at the very least to be hi-jacked. 

But Soweto, home to a third of Johannesburg's population, is a mix of suburbs good and bad. 

The diocese gave me a letter giving me permission to work at St James in Diepkloof Ext 3. There were caveats. It would be for six months only and on condition the rector would have me.

The job interview is a whole other story. Watch this space.

  
Listen to Archbishop Desmond Tutu speak about prayer from his hospital bed (the family is hoping he will be discharged soon)  The link is ow.ly/RMCnd

SEE COMMENT BUTTON BELOW

SACRED LITURGY OR HOCUS POCUS?

There was no way our bunch of ordinands in the Diocese of Johannesburg could attend a residential seminary- most of us had jobs or families to look after. So our theological education was via distance learning underpinned by week-end classes hosted by various parishes. 

These ranged from the 'Little England' in the leafy suburbs to 'township vibrant' with not a tree or flower in sight. 

The suburban churches were invariably built of stone, or face brick. They boasted impressive bell towers, stained glass windows, organs, modern music groups and sound systems. Set in beautiful gardens, their dwindling congregations were predominantly white with a few black faces.  

The packed township churches were mostly large plain structures. Sans organs and sound systems, they had huge choirs. The youth music groups favoured drums, modern and African traditional, and they were as crazy about electronic keyboards as their suburban counterparts were. Nobody checked their watches during the sermon.

Everyone expressed 'New South Africa' love and 'PC speak' was the order of the day. But it wasn't easy going. 

The black families who were easing into the traditionally white suburbs missed the music, the dancing and the choruses they'd grown up with. Too many decided to return to the townships for their Sunday worship and then found it easier to lie in bed instead of travelling the distance. 

One friend shared how it irritated that over tea the white parishioners talked about their dogs as if they were human. 

My white friends were concerned that, as more black families moved into the suburbs, the ancient and modern hymns and Songs of Praise would be overtaken by African choruses. They shuddered at the thought of allowing the Holy Spirit to dictate when a service ended, in case it stretched to two or three hours. 


They complained that the black parishioners weren't prepared to assume leadership roles. The blacks said they were never given the change to express an opinion. 

For those readers in other countries this must all seem very weird. But we South Africans were, and still are, paying the price for legislated segregation. One general election and a democratic government wasn't going to fill the cultural abyss that separated us.  
In fact we ordinands were privileged to experience such diverse forms of Anglican worship. What always amused me was how much higher and hazier the township parishes were when in came to incense, ancient hymns and the size of the altar party. 

I was starting to understand how cocooned I was in my suburban parish so asked to be moved. At that stage it was unthinkable to send a white woman to the townships so I was relocated to a working class, predominantly 'coloured' parish. 

There I would learn about the angst of folk caught in the middle of the new political dispensation. One in which they felt neither white enough nor black enough.

That wasn't the only complication. They were also high and hazy and my Anglican ignorance was laid so bare I nearly got killed. Of course you folk all know that at the end of  the Maundy Thursday service the altar is stripped and the aumbry is left open. I didn't and the prayer book made no mention. So like any good housekeeper I shut the door after the service. 

I'd just reached home when my very tall and volatile rector was hammering on my front door - the epitome of a towering rage. It seemed to escape his notice that I was in a training process and that he was supposed to teach me. I've never seen a man work so hard at resisting the temptation to do physical harm. 

We both recovered but it took a while.

I've just Googled and checked my prayer book - still nada about an open aumbry. Then again so many rituals are absorbed by osmosis if you grow up in the environment. This begs the question: Do the people in the pews understand the significance of the symbolic aspects of our liturgies? Or is it just comforting hocus pocus?